Self Improvement with Irinä: November 2014

Hey there :)

(Originally posted 6th November 2014 - Reviewed/Updated again 6th November 2017)
What a good thing to come back and strengthen the vibe you want to pass with all the acquired knowledge you gained through experiences during these years❤ You can spot the updated parts in green highlight!)

The original text started like this:

November 2014 is here so far :O ! Autumn is gradually giving its place to winter day after day. The cold, the wind, the extended darkness form the perfect scenery for relaxing nights indoors , holding a warm cup of tea and .... ? And what else ? Do you spend your time watching movies/reading books/sharing moments with beloved people? In my case , these nights usually include hot drinks , cuddling my cat and .. overthinking.

Just thinking is okay but constant overthinking is a problem. It's a problem because it consumes more time than it should , it absorbs way more energy and doesn't let you enjoy those simple every-day things that brighten up your day when you just accept them as facts and not as covered enemies .

I could analyze the process forever , as well as the effects and causes of overthinking but this is not the point I want to pass here. I will just focus on a specific reason that gave overthinking this place in my life before I eventually managed to handle and overcome it.

After discussing the topic with my friends and even random people who had similar issues at that time, I got the impression that they just tend to analyze everything too much, as I used to do. I tried to figure out why can't i just relax and instead I feel the urge to explain everything, even in plain situations. I am still not sure but i think all these were an outcome of my acquired difficulty to trust people. (Update: It was also a sign of awakening. Furthermore, Self Awareness does not occur overnight, it comes in layers and each one challenges you in a different way. Many of these layers are unpleasant because you have to deeply dig into traumatic experiences, negativity and extract the values before you get rid of it and finally take your first deep breath of Freedom)

(Update: 3 years later I can assure that it is possible to get rid of daily overthinking, which is the root of emotional decay. However, it doesn't mean that you won't pass through its path again. In fact, times will come, when experiences and circumstances will demand your overthinking to take place, but this time it will not be an enemy of yours. It will be your tool, you will be emotionally and mentally strong enough to handle it properly and use it to figure out faster the causes of your problems, the factors concerning them as well as their solutions. Wise use of your deep thinking ability will bring you closer to your mental core and will also allow you to evaluate and appreciate things more, offering you a more pleasant experience in life. Last but not least, it will offer you a precious knowledge of who you are, what do you need/ want in your life and where do you want to vibe around.)

There will always be periods in life when every individual will get disappointed by someone or something. This is natural and it is meant to happen regardless somebody's character or choices. Since the fact of not receiving what we deserve occurs out there, same goes for the follow-up emotion of disappointment, disatisfaction, fear and doubt; which consequently form the frame of Trusting Issues.

Some times , we trust people who don't treat us fair or in other words their behavior doesn't really match the effort we unconditionally made upon them. A theory implies that you can't be hurt if you don't have expectations because in that case there is nothing to lose while everything you might get will be a bonus. There is a solid base and truth in that, but it is not absolutely correct since we do not function upon a mathematical equation. Even when you have zero expectations, the humiliation or disrespect of your effort (which is usually packed with emotion too), hurts. It hurts a lot. This pain is an outcome of either our failure to detect that this particular person is not suitable for us at the first place OR because we tend to deny this fact inspite of our relevant observation. It sounds insane but it is a reality, it is a fact that all of us, at some point, have spotted a person who may not be trustworthy, who shows all the signs of irresponsibility, immaturity even ungratefullness but for some reason (!?) we keep offering willingly parts of ourselves.

The first case is pretty common and "normal", we have all been there and it's not necessarily our fault , not everyone is exactly as he/she appears to be, so making a wrong estimation can just happen. It is really important to acknowledge that and not be cruel to ourselves about making this kind of mistakes. Usually, when we trust the wrong person, we come to this realization, after we come across some signs/actions which in turn, prove that this individual is not a right choice to vibe around. What happens next? The beautiful smooth flow of things takes place, we just cut off the ropes of trust, we extract all the necessary lessons to improve ourselves and protect us from repeating the same mistakes. We get over the bitter feelings and eventually we're just fine :)

The second case is quite tricky. When we already know that a particular person is not reliable and he/she has already proven that several times, it is not just an alert. It is the entire cosmic alarm siren ringing but mysteriously we just remain there. We don't run away, we don't focus on saving ourselves, we just keep trusting and expecting things that this person will never offer, we enter a never ending circle of repeative pain, discomfort and trauma which in my opinion is the worst form of self-abuse.

Why? Because WE LET others to USE our emotions/actions/everything, even though we know we shouldn't. We feel embarrassed, stressed, confused and trapped in a strange way; we already know the truth in our minds but a part of us stubbornly refuses to accept it .

Up to my personal experience , some times I simply didn't want to admit that my choice was wrong. Some others, I put so much effort/hope/desire on someone/something that I couldn't afford to count all these as a loss. Instead, I preferred to hope that things would workout the way i wanted, SOMEDAY. (This was not just how I needed things to be. I could really convince myself to believe in the potential, back then).

The reason why we choose to remain stuck on negative and wrong-for-us situations are as many as the different combinations of human interaction. Everyone has his own reason(s) to act such.

(Update: A valueble brick i gained through the years was the understanding of relativity. What is right and wrong can be objective regarding a wholistic approach which affects a general part of the population regarding "common" things but when it comes to our personal preferences and choices it is pretty subjective. As individuals, we come with a pack of values, needs, likes, goals, dreams, strengths and wounds. A person which serves good on our unique features might be a wrong choice for someone else and vice versa. A situation/ habit/ circumstance/ choice/ whatever that enhances someone else, can be negative to us. There is nothing wrong with that. We are all different and finding out what do we need to function efficiently and happily is our own responsibility. That's the purpose of our journey. The more we grow, the more we realize that everything around us is mostly a matter of how wise we manifest our energy)

But there is one thing in common . NEGATIVITY .

As i have stated several times on my past articles , everything starts and ends in your mind . Your brain is a powerful weapon that can either launch you on top or drag you down to the bottom. You are the one who handles it and you are the only one who will choose your place .

Let's zoom in and dive into this prolbem. Most of the times, you have been told to stuck yourself out of something by people around you but the more you hear about it, the stronger you refuse to even consider it. Negativity.

It's too hard to accept your amount of fault on a situation which turned bad and it's even harder to accept that anthing you wanted to offer was just a waste of precious time regarding the receiver, a valuable effort which was never appreciated. No one likes this but everything has a reason to happen. There is no fire without smoke ahead. (Update: At last, nothing is a waste because everything has something to teach us. Of course it feels horrible and the bitterness of the initial plan's failure kicks in but whatever you offered in your own will, came from your heart, it is a magic spread around and it will find its way back to you. It was not a reflection of the receiver (person, goal etc), it was a reflection of you. If it didn't go as planned, there was a reason. It is your job to find this reason and decide your actions upon.)

The point is to realize that it's better to feel pain for some time and get over it rather than being sentenced to en endless offering and disappointment due to unsatisfied expectations (and lack of your effort's decent appreciation).

Experiencing the loss of people/emotions/anything you have been used to, is a form of death regardless if it was YOU who let them go at the first place or not. This process requires some time of sincere struggle, understanding, reorientation and analysis until you can breathe again without this disturbing sense of emptiness and sadness .

You can find out more about it , on my article " When people leave " .

Aaaaaaand let's say you finally got over a disappointment due to trusting someone who was not proper for you, what's next ?

I will use my own example which efficiently ruined my emotional state for quite a few years:

After experiencing the same condition all over again from different people, a titan fear grew inside me. Specifically, I was afraid that everyone will do the same. I was afraid that it was not just a matter of the choices I made. I strongly felt that even when I choose to trust someone who really seems worthy and has shown some good values, a day will come and they will become a stranger to my heart, using all the information i provided through opening up, to their benefit.

Trusting again was harder and harder as i was moving on and i ended up feeling surrounded by potential enemies, over analyzing every movement and word of them . I gave a promise to myself, i would never let myself get hurt again. However; this didn't help either since every human is born to live and interact with others, he has needs that require the active presence of people in his life .

Being on the otherside was equally awful and didn't make me feel nice. I built a solid wall around me, i didn't let people approach me further or see my dreams/desires/fears/emotions , everything that makes me special and unique . This brought me a lot of loneliness and stole some super worthy moments i would have experienced otherwise, if i was not feeling endangered all the time .

But what should you do in such a state? Trusting everyone and trusting no one are really similar , they have both bad effects for you, they offer you nothing and spoil moments and people in your life ( you can either trust someone who's not worthy or refuse a worthy one just because you think they are all the same piece of shit ) . This was a torture to my soul till 2012. This was the year when i started reorienting my mindset and it took solid 2 and half years (the time i first posted this article) to feel a kind of visible change.

Key word again : BALANCE

Everything is better when it's balanced. There are people who deserve that part of yourself, that part which offers happiness, joy, smile. There are also others, who don't even worth the blink of your eye. You must train yourself enough to " test " people around you , establish some filters and evaluate if someone is worthy enough to receive a piece of you ( thoughts,shared moments,support,gifts,anything ). Great relationships and interactions on this planet are built slowly , step by step, forming a solid and strong base which will support the evolution and transition to something big and beautiful in the pace of time. :)

When you meet someone you don't have just two options : giving it all in or refusing to share anything .

You can just give small chances and people who are compatible to your spirit will use them appropriately to give you a sign, influencing you to offer something more which in turn will motivate them to be more expressive too and so on ! If it works out you'll get a person for life , if not you'll get a lesson for life , there is practically nothing to lose :)

My personal route up to now has shown that this is the
best functional option for me. It will not always work, nothing is ideal but even if something fails, i am capable to get over it and continue my journey while still offering some seats to people who really want to explore this world with me. Those who truly want it, will use these chances in the best possible way !